Tuesday, March 29, 2005

I am getting over the relationship thing. Although I still think that the relationship I had could have resulted in mutual happiness, I know that I can't make someone like me.

Mary is in London this week visiting with her daughter and she will be back Saturday. She called from the airport and was said she wanted to talk when she returns. The reality is that she was married for 25 years, had a husband at home to be with her, had kids in the house and now she has nothing but her work and her pursuit of a Ph.D. My work is such that I can't be home with her every evening and honestly I doubt I would want to sit at home every evening if I could.

So the relationship will most likely end. So be it. I will always think of what could have been and maybe one day she will come to realize what she gave up.

I still have no interest in another relationship and doubt that I will have such interest for the near future.

Friday, March 25, 2005

I didn't think I had it in me to suffer so much as a result of the end of my relationship with Mary. I hurt just about as bad as when my mother died or when my doggy dog died. How can I allow myself to feel so bad? Hopefully time will be the healer.

I hope that when I ended the relationship with the girl before (Joy), I didn't hurt her as much as I am hurt. If I even hurt her just a little, I am deeply sorry. Now I know what it feel like. Maybe I deserve it.

I have an acquaintance that was married for a few years, went through a divorce, and now swears that he will never allow himself to love again. That is the way I feel. I swore I would never have another dog after my dog died. My reason was that I felt it better not to love another dog knowing that I would likely outlive the dog than to allow myself to get hurt again.

That is the way I am feeling with the relationship thing. I just don't see the benefit. It looks like the costs far outweigh the benefits.

I hope I feel better soon. I know it is dangerous for a person to feel this bad. I may be on the border of clinical depression.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

I have had it with women. The last two didn't work and I will be damned before I get involved with another. The last one was an emotional basket case. The previous one was a little different from me. This isn't to mean that I hold ill will toward either.

I have been hurt three times recently. Most recently, it was from Mary. Prior to that it was my dog dying. And prior to that it was Joy.

It will definitely be a long time before I let another women or another dog make me hurt.

On another note, my back is better. I have an MRI scheduled for April 11 and then an appointment with a specialist. Maybe I can get fixed so I don't have to subscribe to the philosophy of better living through chemistry.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Pain is not good.

For the last few weeks, I have been sufferring from very severe lower back pain. Pain meds help but make me less productive. I can't sleep or go to the gym. It hurts all the time.

I have an MRI schduled for April 11. Hopefully, that will lead to getting the problem corrected.

Monday, March 07, 2005

The last few weeks have been pretty busy.

I went to Las Vegas with Mary and met with my father and half-brother. The half-brother hit a $6,000 jackpot on a slot machine. Mary hit a royal straight flush on a $0.25 video poker machine and won $1,000. I hit four aces on a $5.00 video poker machine and won $2,000. All in all, the Vegas trip still cost Dad and me money. Mary and Tommy, Jr., made money.

Work continues. My client in Orange has started a new project even though the existing project is not finished. Other clients continue. This means money is green.

My friend Sean from Balboa died. He was only 36. His memorial service is tomorrow and I may make it there to witness the disposal of his remains at sea.

The relationship thing ... it too continues. My new Sally (Mary) and I continue to see each other. She is an incredibly nice person but I suspect that she and I will not make it over the long-term given her level of sensitivity. Maybe I am like my friend Kevin. He is married and has three wonderful children. But he and his wife seem to be always on edge with each other. I suspect he is not truly happy. Mary and I are planning to spend the weekend at the Beverly Hills Hotel but I may change plans depending on her actions over the next couple of days.

A note on politics. I am seriously considering registering as a Democrat. The GOP's position on deficit spending, the war on drugs, and other social issues places me in a position where I can't support many GOP candidates. More to come on this.